One Wild and Precious Life

I am feeling reflective today. Yesterday, a faculty member from my high school passed away, only a few weeks after being hospitalized to be treated for bladder cancer. As far as I know, before that he was still teaching math and coaching. I never had him as a teacher, but his wife joined students in dance classes, and I performed with her. I grieve for her. Their daughters attended the school with me; one was a year ahead, the other, three years behind. I grieve for them. I also grieve for his students. We lost three faculty members my senior year, and one was like this--mid-term diagnosed with cancer, gone very quickly, most beloved.

As I walked my dog Lily this morning through the wooded country roads of the town where I have been serving at a new call since September, I couldn't help but think of poet Mary Oliver's famous question: "What do you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

Once again, Perspective has come and knocked me out of my procrastinating, lackadaisical meandering through life.

The other quote that was running through my head this morning was from an anti-drug commercial. Remember the ones where kids were listing what they wanted to be when they grew up, and the voice at the end says, "No one says they want to be a junkie when they grow up." Of course, it's different, but no one plans for cancer, either. No one says, "Ok, I'll graduate and get a job and get married and have kids and then I'll deal with cancer, and we'll just have to see after that."

Yesterday, I discovered the Facebook page of a family trying to bring everyone home. Sean was serving in Afghanistan. Heather was pregnant with a child they'd prayed 7 years for. Baby John was growing in her womb. Then, at 34 weeks, Heather had back pain and a headache, went to the hospital, and collapsed with a massive brain bleed. Baby John was delivered by emergency C-section. Sean spent 72 hours trying to get home. Heather slipped into a coma. Sean is home from war, Baby John is home after 20 days in the hospital, and Heather is still in a coma. I'm sure this is not the life they imagined when they found out they were finally expecting. In an instant, everything changed.

A woman I went to elementary school with is the mother of three beautiful girls. One January day, she took her youngest, then just 22 months old, to the ER with a swollen belly, thinking she was constipated. Instead, it was a tumor on her liver, that had basically appeared overnight. Neuroblastoma. No treatments were successful; little Rylie Hope died in April of the following year, a month after her third birthday. Not a day goes by that I don't think of that little girl, who I never had the chance to meet, but whose smile enchanted me through photos.

Shit happens when you least expect it. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. Forget plans. What ARE you DOING with your one wild and precious life?

Of course, it's hard to live like that. There are bills to pay, and the yard needs to be raked so that if you are indeed around for next spring, the lawn won't look like hell, and there is work to do, and savings to build because what if you do live to be 102?

But still. Today, anyway, I'm being mindful. I will go rake leaves not just because it's a chore to complete but because I love the colorful leaves and the sound of the dog racing through them and the smell of their damp earthiness. And I will wash the dishes, and clean the dining room and organize information for the worship bulletin because those things need to get done. But I blogged, which I've been meaning to do for months, and hope to do much more frequently. And if I don't get to sew today, at least I'll do some sketches.

See, Mary Oliver's question makes me nervous, makes me fearful of death, because right now, if I were asked what I did with my one wild and precious life, I don't think I'd like the answer. Right now, I'm wasting it, betting that I can do things tomorrow, next month, in a few years. No. I get one. ONE wild and precious life, and it's time to stop wasting it, and start singing, "No day but to-day!"

I'm off to rake leaves.

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Grace and All That

Wowza has it been a long time since I posted. I knew I was neglecting my blog, but I didn't realize that it was quite this bad! I'd like to promise to do better, and I think that promise would be as much for myself as any readers, but I don't make promises I'm not sure I can keep. So I'll try, but that's the best I can do.

So anyway, my thoughts this morning are on grace. I recently had a conversation with some folks about grace, and salvation, and hell, and faith. It was exhausting, as much of that part of my theology is still developing, but it was also exhilarating. I believe it's necessary to wrestle with these kinds of things. We didn't come to too many conclusions, but the wrestling has stuck with me over the last couple weeks. Just how big is God's grace? It's not earned, but aren't there some requirements? If there is no hell, then what is the point of salvation? What DOES Jesus mean when he says, "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Light, and no one gets to the Father except through me?" If non-Christians receive God's grace too, then why did God send Jesus? Can you be a Christian if you don't believe Jesus was divine? If so, is there still a trinity?

Seriously, they are questions that can keep someone like me awake at night. And as I told those folks, my life would be infinitely easier if I were a black-and-white kind of person, if I could just accept pat answers, memorize them, and spit them back out as truth. Salvation from sin comes through atonement and the cross alone, and it means salvation from Hell. Good people who believe Jesus Christ is their Lord and Savior do not go to Hell. Being "good" means following what is written in the Bible, and what is found there is infallible.

However, I'm not that kind of person. I am much more aware of nuance and different perspectives. I struggle to figure out what place the really crappy stories and and instructions in the Bible have in our faith lives today.  I shudder to think that the beautiful, loving non-Christian people I know will go to Hell while vile, hate-spewing oppressor Christians get the Eternal Good Life. It's not all clear. The Bible contradicts itself. It was written by fallible humans, and as someone who frequently attempts to write and speak with the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, I know first hand that sometimes we get in the way or screw it up or spin the message to our liking.

Here's my mini-morsel of insight that has occurred to me on this hazy, hot and humid summer morning in Massachusetts: if God's grace looks like our human ideas of justice and fairness, we're probably not getting it right. I don't know exactly what God's justice looks like. I do know that I don't believe in an eternal separation from God in a fiery underworld. That being said, I think we must be accountable for our actions--or inaction--in this life. How that plays out, I just don't know. My human sense of justice is that of course Mother Theresa and Jerry Sandusky (making an assumption of guilt here, although of course he's still in court receiving his fair trial) would end up in different places. That's only fair. A life lived ministering to the poor vs. a life lived inflicting horrific abuse on children? Duh. 


And yet. I have no doubt that anyone who is a perpetrator of abuse--and particularly abuse against children-- will have to answer to her/his Creator. I have no doubt that God has little tolerance for such evil. And yet, something in my gut twists a little to create such an absolute, such a limit to God's grace. Where is the line? Is it rape, murder, abuse? What about stealing? What about not caring for "the least of these?" In Jesus' famous speech about feeding the hungry and clothing the naked and visiting the prisoners and in doing such, doing so for him and being blessed, we tend to stop reading before we get to the second part about the people who DON'T do those things facing damnation. Or there's that line in Mark about most sin being forgivable except blaspheming against the Holy Spirit, which is eternally unforgivable. 


I think God's grace is big. Bigger than we could ever imagine. And while we certainly must strive to live in obedience to God and God's commandments, I think we'd do well not to say for certain, "This thing is beyond God's grace." Somehow, I just picture God's response to such a limit to be something along the lines of, "Oh yeah? Watch me."

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My First Home?

I am in love.

The sweetest house is for sale in my neighborhood. Right now, I'm a renter, and though I my landlord is great, and my apartment is cute (wood floors, fireplace, stained glass), it's not mine. I can paint, but not strip all the white paint off the wood doors. I can have a little garden in the backyard, but not fix the worn-down back porch. Of course, these are certainly small things. And I know that the responsibility that comes with home ownership is huge--no landlord to turn to when, say, the radiator is spurting water 2 1/2 feet up my dining room curtain.

But I LOVE this house. It's been on the market for a few months now, and I've been drooling since I first saw the sign in the front yard. Since I moved into my apartment, I've thought that if I did eventually buy, I'd want it to be in the same neighborhood--featured in This Old House magazine recently. It's full of old, beautiful houses, big old trees, right on a huge park, and friendly people. The house I want is actually located across the street and two houses over from the two neighbors I've become friends with (one of whom is also a single female UCC pastor who adopted--go figure!).

This house needs a little updating, but clearly has "good bones." I'm also not a person who likes a "move-in ready" house. I enjoy DIY projects and putting my own style and personality in things--and that can be done slowly, over time.

The biggest stumbling block between me and this house, however, is the down payment. I've got nothing, and with the market crash and reports of bad mortgages, banks are very wary of making those kinds of loans (as am I in requesting one). I've taken the first few steps--cut back on my monthly expenses ("bye bye" cable, home internet, and iPhone), getting intentional about paying down my debt (I paid off two credit cards this month!), and working to build my "liturgical lovely" shop on Etsy to earn extra money. However, that down payment is still pretty far away.

That's where you come in. More than one person, in response to my dilemma, has suggested fundraising or "taking an offering" to help me clear this hurdle. Being a big believer in community and helping each other out, I'm taking their suggestions. Below is a button you can click that will allow you to donate to "Beth's Down Payment Fund" through PayPal. I haven't figure out how yet, but I will thank each donor in some special way.

I woke up this morning with visions of car washes and lawn-raking dancing through my head. I'm willing to work hard towards my goals, but also willing to ask for help, knowing that I'll get the chance to do the same for others some day, and that many hands make light work. Or, as one friend said, "Every little bit helps."

Thank you, and God bless.

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Summer's End (But Let's Not Rush Things)

Our modern calendar places the beginning of Summer on June 21, but, as that is on or near the summer solstice, that is actually the mid-point of Summer (hence the celebration of Midsummer and Midsummer's Eve). The Celts traditionally believe summer begins on May 1, and ends on August 1. And I have to say, I think they got it right.

Without knowing about the Celtic tradition, the last few years I have found myself first noticing the waning of summer sometime around the beginning of August. While we struggle to squeeze in the last bits of vacation and reading lists before fall "officially" begins, nature is already telling us it's a losing battle.

The nights have already started to become longer and cooler. The first few leaves are starting to change color and fall. We have a lot of old trees in my neighborhood, and as I walked around tonight, I actually crunched through some fallen leaves. One ancient tree has already completely changed color and lost most of its leaves! I noticed that recently I've been wanting to wear jeans, and love the cool mornings when I put on a sweatshirt, and a friend of mine said the same thing. We who have grown up in this type of climate have the rhythm of the seasons flowing through our bodies, and they know even if the calendar doesn't. It's time. Summer has ended, and autumn is beginning.

HOWEVER. This all being said does NOT excuse the grocery stores having candy corn on the shelves in July. I mean, seriously? If you buy it now, you know you're going to eat it way before Halloween. And if not, ew. Do stores really going to think they're going to sell Halloween-specific candy when people haven't even wrapped their brains around back-to-school (which, by the way, I saw signs for in May. Before the kids had actually finished their previous school year.)?

The earth, and our lives, move in cycles and rhythms, but there's no need to rush from one to the next. Summer's ending, but there's a special atmosphere this time of year that happens no other time. The really hot days set off by the increasingly cooler nights. The way the sun slants in late afternoon. The abundance of harvest.

It's the beginning of August. How about we enjoy some fresh corn on the cob, and leave the candy corn for October?

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Book Review: The Sweet By and By

I like Sara Evans’ music, so I jumped at the chance to read her first book, written with Rachel Hauck.

The past is over and done with. Jade and her fiancée Max told themselves that what was behind them didn’t matter, that they had started their relationship with a clean slate. But when her hippie mother Beryl shows up a few weeks before their wedding, all of the hurts, regrets and disappointments Jade thought she’d buried begin forcing themselves to the surface. Jade must not only come to terms with her past, but open her heart to God’s grace and recognize that by accepting God’s forgiveness, she can begin to forgive herself.

Despite some unexpectedly heavy and potentially touchy subject matter, this book was overall a light, enjoyable read. It wasn’t quite as sugary-sweet as I expected; I found myself drawn into the complexity of the characters and their relationships with each other. They, like all of us, are flawed in a myriad of ways that perhaps don’t always turn out ok in the end. One off-putting aspect was the amount of brand names the author used; I felt sometimes like I was being subject to product placement. On the whole, though, a great story of redemption and the transformative power of God’s grace.

*I am a member of Thomas Nelson's (the publisher) Book Review Bloggers. A complimentary copy of this book was provided for review. No other compensation was received.

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Project 52

It's done. I've made the commitment. Last year, one of my resolutions was to blog every week. I failed miserably, writing only 25 posts--down from 35 in 2008. (I did, however, teach myself to juggle and run a 5k--the year wasn't a total wash).

Now, however, the gauntlet has been thrown down. Through one of the people I follow on Twitter, I learned of a new blog challenge called Project 52. Beginning today, January 1, 2010, and running until January 1, 2011, participants agree to post new content on their blogs at least once a week. I just signed up. By following RSS feeds, they will be able to tell who has been slacking--and it's that accountability that I need to keep me on track.

So, here's post 1 of 52 (or more) in 2010...Happy New Year!

P.S. In case you're wondering, this is pretty much my only "resolution" for the year. Another way to ensure it happens!

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It Pays To Be Nice

I know often it doesn't seem that way, but today being nice saved me.

I was driving from church to the grocery store, on my way to get the last of the food for our high school youth group Christmas party on Sunday as well as lunch (which I actually ended up forgetting, go figure). Not far into the short trip, I came to a four-way intersection and stopped for the red light. There was one car across from me, with her left turn-signal on.

I felt myself easing off the brake a little, ready to go before she could turn once the light turned green. Then I noticed a few cars pulling up behind me, and decided that I'd let her go so she wouldn't have to wait for all of us to pass.

The light turned green, and I waved her on. I'm not sure if she saw the gesture, but perhaps my lack of movement forward gave her a clue that I might be letting her turn. She started to creep forward...and a car sped through the intersection from the cross street, against the red, just missing her front bumper.

No one honked as I flashed my lights to let her know I really was letting her turn in front of me. She threw me a wave, looking understandably startled. As I drove away, I realized that had I not stopped to let her turn, had I rushed to "beat" her as I'd originally been planning, I most likely would've been right in the middle of that intersection and been t-boned by the car running the red light. While he would've hit my passenger side, and so my injuries might not have been fatal, who knows whether he would've pushed my car into something else (like a tree or telephone pole or another car) that could've cause more damage to me. Either way, my (just purchased!) car would've been totaled and I probably would've ended up in the hospital at the very least.

But I managed to avoid all that, just by being nice.

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CROP walk

This coming Sunday, I (along with my confirmation students, some of my youth, and a few other church members) will be walking in the Greater Springfield Area CROP Walk. This is the oldest fundraising walk--the one that started them all! This will be the 31st annual for this city. CROP stands for Communities Responding to Overcome Poverty, and is a community-wide response of Church World Service.

I first did this walk when I was about 12, when it was 10 miles long! It's a lot shorter now, but just as important. One great thing about this walk is that a big chunk of the money raised stays in the community to addressing hunger and poverty issues locally, while still helping those worldwide, whose needs are usually even more dire.

Will you help me raise money for this great cause? I know money is tight, but every little bit helps! Please go here to make a secure online donation.

Thanks, and many blessings to you!

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The unexpected rainy joy

I was just finishing my run this morning when it started to drizzle. By the time I had slowed to walking, the rain was coming in steady fat drops. Soon, though I was under a canopy of trees, I was getting drenched in a heavy downpour. An unexpected sense of joy came over me, and as I continued to walk up the trail, I gave in to temptation and threw my arms open wide, embracing the rain. I tilted my head back, freeing my face from the protection of my pink Red Sox hat, and was rewarded with a drop landing right in my eye.

That's when it happened: I laughed. I laughed in the pure joy of being caught in a woodsy early-morning rainstorm with no hope of staying dry. I laughed as I twirled around, savoring the refreshing shower.

As I exited the park, I allowed myself the luxury of a few tour jetes (a turning ballet jump) and laughed at my goofiness. I crossed the deserted street as the rain grew even heavier, and was glad no one was around to witness the huge smile of pleasure on my face as my clothes soaked through, and drops started falling from the brim of my hat.

I kicked off my sodden running shoes on the porch and as I entered my house, I laughed again, grateful for the gift of unexpected rainy joy that I'd been given.

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It Don't Matter if You're Black or White...or Maybe It Does

I'm already tired of the coverage. The second full day after Michael Jackson's sudden and surprising death, and it is still a half-page headline on cnn.com. Today's "big news?" His body has been moved to the mortuary. Really? I mean, I understand the mourning period, and he was an amazingly talented man...but the media is keeping the coverage alive simply for ratings, that much is by now clear.

And yet here I am, writing one of what I'm sure are countless blog posts regarding his passing. But mine is not to review his greatest hits or greatest dance moves or to lament the untimely loss of such a great entertainer. No, I'm interested in the reactions other people had to his death--and the differences I saw in race among those reactions.

*Disclaimer: this is in no way a scientific survey, but instead just a commentary on what I noticed on my Facebook (800+ "friends") and Twitter (following 1800+) streams.

See, if there was a news posting or Tweet that wasn't about MJ, it was in the extreme minority. Everybody was talking about it. Most were the standard: RIP MJ, etc. Basically just acknowledging it. There were those in shock, who wondered if it were really true. There were those who seemed to go into deep mourning, with messages of lament and loss of a childhood icon, a hero gone. And there were those who flat out said they felt no sorrow, who made (in my opinion) tasteless jokes, who were proud to say they were happy he was gone. The difference between those last two groups--those in lament and those in ambivilance or joy? Race.

Those who seemed to mourn the most, to enter into reflection on MJ's influence on our culture, and to appreciate what he had contributed to the world, were mostly people of color. Those who made jokes about naked children, who celebrated the "death of a pedophile," who proclaimed no sadness at the loss, were white.

I'm not sure why this surprised me, but it did. Now, I'll be the first to acknowledge that MJ had his issues. The first thing I prayed for after learning of his death was that he'd found peace and freedom from his demons. But there is also no denying what a genius--and I don't use that word lightly--he was, not only in music and dance, but marketing, publicity, and fashion (hello, one glove?).

And I'm not sure why there's such a disparity. Of course I expected a mix of reactions, given his controversial life, but to have negative reactions be on such a clear racial lines...?

Then again, perhaps it's not that only white people viewed him that negatively, but that people of color, and especially those in the black community, felt they would be lambasted if they reacted that way to such an icon.

I don't have answers, just observations. If anyone can provide insight or noticed the same, please share!

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An African is Not Just a Brown White Person

I got all excited just now poking around Etsy, "window" shopping for stuff for my as-yet-to-be-found new place, when I came across these pillows.

I was just ready to add them to my favorites when I took a second look. Something wasn't right. And then I realized: these are not the silhouettes of Africans.

Ok, now I know that there are white people in Africa...but these silhouettes are, in my opinion, not meant to be of white Africans. They are composed of brown fabric, and the accessories are clearly meant to be, ahem, "ethnic." They are meant to be native Africans. They're not.

I know I'm probably treading into sticky territory here, but their features are clearly white. The one that clued me in first was the male. Look at his hair! All of them have pointy, up-turned noses and itty bitty mouths. Now, I'm not saying they should go overboard and end up with with the type of caricatures that commonly portrayed Africans and those of African heritage in the past, but let's be real.

The problem goes back to the fact that white people are still the standard, the norm, not just in our society, but globally. So a silhouette of a white person (since you can't see the skin color) can be made African by making it brown. Dolls can be made "diverse" just by changing the color of their skin and leaving all other features the same (if they even move beyond simply blonde hair and brown hair).

Of course, race isn't the only place where this happens. Gender, too, brings it out. Only just now are companies researching how drugs affect women differently than men--usually, women were just treated as smaller men. Um...NO.

A woman is not just a man without a penis,

and an African is not simply a white person with brown skin.

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Why I Tweet

I am a Twitter user. I have an application on my computer to use it more easily than on the web. It's my second--the first one bit the dust when I accidentally turned off the power strip and therefore my computer in the middle of using it. I haven't figured out how to fix it, and so I let it go, though I miss some things it could do.

But I use Twitter. Many people, when they find this out, if they even know what Twitter is, ask me about it. Why--isn't it basically the same thing as Facebook (which I also obsessively devotedly use)? Who cares what people are having for breakfast? Doesn't it take away from "real" realtionships? So here's my explanation.

First: no, it's not the same as Facebook. There are few photos (and you have to click a link to see them), no applications or quizzes, and you are limited to 140 characters. Period. Even in your private messages. It varies from person to person, but I actually have very little overlap between my "friends" on Facebook and my "followers" on Twitter. What overlap there is generally from people I know on FB opening accounts on Twitter, not the other way around. I have one exception--a lovely woman who I "met" on Twitter who I then friended on FB.

Most of the people that are my FB friends I actually know in "real life." Most of my followers/those I'm following on Twitter I do not.

Second: Very few people I know actually use their 140 characters to answer Twitter's question, "What are you doing?" and give you a play-by-play of their activities for the day. If they do, it's because that's what on their mind at the moment and they want to share it in addition to the rest of their more significant "Tweets." People use Twitter to rally to causes, engage in discussion, network, find and give support, "meet" people with similar interests, and break news. Some examples: many people on Twitter (myself included) have bathed our pictures in green in support of the people if Iran; yesterday the Today Show was asking people on Twitter for information about the pilot who died mid-flight; when the toddler of a "mommy blogger" died suddenly of an infection, the news traveled quickly and Twitter lit up with supportive messages.

Third: These are relationships. Often I don't even know the real names of the people with whom I tweet, just their usernames, but I include them in prayers, joke and cry with them, ask and give information and opinions. My face-to-face and otherwise real-world relationships come first, as they should. But there are real people behind each avatar and username, and while there are many just on there to get as many followers as possible and feel popular, or to build and market their consulting businesses, there are just as many who are there to connect and interact, and they are all so different!

In my small corner of the world, how much opportunity do I have to daily interact with sexologists, conservative and progressive Christians, Etsy sellers, atheists, celebrities (some do actually reply), politicians, stay-at-home moms, eco-gurus, savvy aunties, news groups, activists, farmers, non-profits, and family members? The people I interact with are all over the country and the world (we often say good morning/afternoon/evening to cover the many time zones) and from so many different viewpoints and places in life, and they just fascinate me!

And apparently, I must interest some of them too: this week I surpassed 1500 followers.

So, in many more than 140 characters, this is why I use Twitter.

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You know you're really "in" something when...

...you dream it. A Spanish teacher of mine used to get so excited when one of us would come in and say we'd dreamt in Spanish. That meant we were getting it, he'd tell us. Even if in class or doing homework, our conscious minds struggled to remember conjugations and vocab words, our sub-conscious was latching on to it and reproducing it while we slept.

This happened to me a few times in seminary when I was really immersed in something. I'd dream of a theologian, or of preaching.

And now, I feel like I'm really digging in to fabric art. My proof? I had a dream last night about tie-dying a whole bunch of fabric green.

Now, that may not seem like much, but it's about creating, about taking control of my art by not simply using fabric that's already been designed for me, but making my own. I also did it utilizing a skill I've had since I was a Girl Scout--perhaps my subconscious telling me that I don't need to go out and learn all these new techniques, that already I possess the ability to create these pieces.

This past week I finally opened my stole/liturgical "lovelies" shop on Etsy. It's wonderful and scary and feels just right. Recently I've been just overflowing with ideas for new stoles, so many I'm going to have to try them out over the course of months!

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Spring again...maybe?

It's amazing how weather really does affect mood. The last couple days have been overcast and/or rainy and cool--like barely passing 50F cool. And I've been feeling low-energy and blah. Part of that might be because I'm fighting a cold, but this morning, I woke up a cloud-less blue sky and bright sunshine, and while it's not exactly warm, the forecast is calling for more seasonable temperatures of low 70s. I feel full of energy and ready to take on the day!

Knowing how much the sun makes me happy, I'll have to be careful next week when I got to Hawaii, that I don't just fall in love with the place and decide to move there. They do have quite a few UCC churches... 

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What's Your Real Mantra?

I read a short article this morning in the print magazine from Lumunos that mentioned mantras, and finding some that worked for you. I have a couple of mantras that I like--one of which the author of the piece mentions, Julian of Norwich's "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well." A couple weeks ago when I was lying awake with anxiety, I lulled myself to sleep by praying that with a rosary. 

I put the magazine down to get on with my day, vowing that later I'd think of/find some good mantras to keep on hand. And then it occurred to me--if mantras help guide our thoughts and actions, what happens if we're repeating mantras without even realizing it?

For instance, the worry "I'm never going to find a job," while understandable, can quickly affect us negatively if it's just repeating itself over and over in our minds. The same with: 

• "I'm not good/smart/capable/brave/[enter positive descriptive here] enough"
•  "Everybody's judging me" 
• "I'm fat/stupid/awkward/ugly/[enter negative descriptive here]" 
• "I can't do that"
  

Maybe we don't ever say them out loud, but chances are all of us have some kind of negative mantra we've been saying to ourselves, allowing to affect our lives, without even realizing it. 

My suggestion: pay close attention in the next few days to phrases you find yourself repeating. If they're negative, find something to replace it, and repeat it three times for every one negative. If you find yourself saying "nothing's going right," you might repeat Julian's mantra. If you're critical of yourself, try "I am fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139). 

Look around to find some good replacement mantras--and please share them! I'll do the same.

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Pick me, pick me!

Remember when we were kids, and had to choose up teams for in gym class for dodge ball or capture the flag or some other competition? No matter who was named "captain" by the teacher, there were those highly athletic kids who got picked first--they gave the team a better chance of winning. Then the popular, if unathletic kids got picked--maybe they wouldn't help skill-wise, but socially you had a better team if they were on it. And then down the skill and social ladder it would go, always with those few awkward unpopular kids left looking at the ground, toeing the dirt with their shoes as they waited for their fates to be decided. Who would be the last this time? Who was the least-wanted kid there? Through the whole process, those of us not near the top rung would be chanting in our heads, "pick me, pick me!" No one wants to feel like they are only chosen because there's no one else left.

There have been a few articles in the news sources lately about adoption. China, once the most popular foreign source of American adoptees, has created stricter rules and hence lowered the number of children adopted by American families. Other countries have done or are considering doing the same. Madonna recently attempted to adopt another child from Malawi, but was unsucessful. Though I often think about adoption, these news items have brought it to the front of my consciousness, enough to stop me in the midst of checking e-mail and Tweeting to blog about it.

Often people on the pro-life side of the abortion debate cite the fact that so many couples are just waiting for babies to adopt domestically. Those same couples often end up turning to countries like China, Russia, and Guatemala, spending tens of thousands of dollars to bring home a baby. 

A baby. A little one, usually under a year old, sometimes, if the timing and coordination are right, as young as 8 weeks. These are the top-round picks in the adoption world. White American babies go first, then healthy infants from abroad. 

The kids left looking at the ground, desperately pleading inside, "pick me, pick me?" Older kids in the American foster care system. 

These are not the kids that get the sympathy vote like those in foreign orphanages, who often tend to generate the "look I'm helping this poor child have a life s/he couldn't ever have had in her/his own country" feeling. (Note: I am not against international adoption, but feel the need to call it like it is).

The fact that these children are available for adoption through the foster care system largely means something went seriously wrong. Yes, there are some who are orphans with no other family to care for them, but the majority have been removed from their homes and their parents' rights have been terminated by the state. For that to happen, generally those kids have been through major neglect or abuse or both. 

So not only are they not cute babies, but they come with baggage. It takes special people to bring these kids home to their forever families, and it's not easy.

But those kids just want a chance, want to know they're not the least-wanted kid in the world. Some of them don't learn that, and age out of the foster care system at 18 (some states have wisely extended that deadline to 21 to continue to provide support to young adults). 

I often go to AdoptUsKids  and look around. It's a list of kids in foster care, most of whom are or will soon be available for adoption. It's not a pick-your-own catalog, but an attempt to find family matches for these, often the most difficult kids to place. According to one report, in fiscal year 2006 almost 127,000 kids were waiting to be adopted out of foster care. 

Look at their faces. Who wants to be the one to tell them, month after month, year after year, that they were not chosen?

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Ads Be Gone

If you're a regular visitor to my blog (not simply reading posts sent by e-mail), you may notice there's an element missing from my page. I removed the Google ads from below my "about me" section. A couple reasons for this:

1. I never felt right about advertising on my blog, particularly since I had no clue or control of what Google was putting up there. 

2. Since adding the tool about 16 months ago, I made a grand total of $0.96. Clearly blogging will not pay my student loan debt simply through ads.

3. They just introduced "interest-based" ads, which means that every visit to my blog would gear be a little note that would gear the visitor to some kind of category. I'm not sure how my blog would be classified, but maybe visitors would be characterized as "religious" and future ads on my site and others would be of that nature. It just seemed to invasive, so out it goes.

I hope you enjoy your advertising-free Sunlight and Shadows. Although I do know bloggers who add a PayPal button for free will offerings...what do ya'll think? Are my meandering musings worth supporting monetarily? (I won't be offended if the answer is no!)

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New Year Part II: Looking Ahead to 2009

So after a lot of thought, I've finally written my list of resolutions/goals/intentions for the year. So what if we're more than two weeks into 2009? That just means I've really taken it seriously. I also found I started to get nervous about sharing them. It's a pretty personal process, and by letting others know what my goals are, I'm also letting them know if I don't reach them, which is a little scary.

So here they are, all 13 of them. It may seem like a lot, but they cover many areas in my life, and I've got 11 1/2 months to accomplish them...and hey, 13 is a significant biblical number. Without further ado...

1. Write every day for 30 minutes.
2. At least until in a parish position, write one sermon per month.
3. Once a week or more, post on my personal blog and Everyday Citizen.
4. Learn to knit.
5. Complete a 5k race.
6. Finish all my UFOs (unfinished projects) from before 2009.
7. Open a second Etsy shop for stoles, make 5 sales, and go to one conference or other event as a vendor.
8. Expand first Etsy shop: add three new products, attend two craft shows, make 30 sales, join one Etsy team, have one item featured on the front page.
9. Take the Jeopardy online test.
10. Read 40 books.
11. Do two projects in The Art Quilt Workbook.
12. Be intentional about keeping in touch with people—respond to phone calls, e-mails, etc within 48 hours, and make definite plans rather than just saying we should get together.
13. Learn to juggle.

What do you think?

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New Year Part I: Looking Back at 2008

A member of a listserv to which I belong listed 100 things she accomplished in 2008 on her blog. I hoped to do the same...but instead came up with 50 things I did or that happened in my life. There are probably more, but it's hard to remember yesterday, never mind the past 12 months. Perhaps this is a clue that I need to journal more!

Anyway, here it is, in no particular order, my life in 2008: 

1. May- I graduated from Union Theological Seminary with my Master of Divinity. 
2. May- I unexpectedly received the Karen Zeigler Feminist Preaching Prize at commencement.
3. July- My sister Katie and her husband Doug welcomed Caleb Benjamin to the world.
4. June- My best friend Bethany, her husband Jay, and their son Joey welcomed Evan David to the world.
5. May- My father was laid off from his job.
6. January- After many days of heavy wet snow, a tree fell onto the deck of my parents’ house on New Year’s Day, causing minor damage to the house and killing the gas grill.
7. April- I was accepted to In Care status by the Metropolitan-Suffolk Association of the United Church of Christ on my 29^th birthday.
8. February- I found a job as a consultant, working as project manager/copy editor of the Prayer Calendar, a project of United Methodist Women.
9. May- I moved from NYC back to NH and back into my parents’ home.
10. May- During the move, I tried to drive a U-Haul through the Bronx and knocked off the passenger side mirror on a train trestle on Jerome Ave. On the way to NH, my friend Darlene had to stick her head out the window anytime we drove to the right.
11. October- I wrote an article to be published in Response, the magazine of the United Methodist Women.
12. November- I was in Spanish Harlem when the announcement comes that Barack Obama had been elected the 44^th President of the United States.
13. January- I traveled to New Orleans on a mission trip with my church. We helped build a house, and I fell in love with the city, vowing to someday take my own church groups down to help what will surely be a long renewal process. 
14. March- I finished my thesis project, a collection of stoles, for which I received a Credit with Distinction.
15. April- I showed my stoles and received great comments and affirmation of my skills as an artist, particularly with fabric.
16. November- I preached for an unfamiliar congregation for the first time, in Francestown, NH. They loved me, despite some having thought I was a teenager at first.
17. December- I led my first Christmas Eve service, and cried in front of the whole congregation (in a good way).
18. December- A huge ice storm hit southern NH, leaving hundreds of thousands without power. We were without power for 4 days, three trees fell on my mother’s car at once (and also damage the deck but this time leave the grill untouched), a huge branch fell on the front lawn, a tree fell and blocked the road, and our basement, family room, and sewing room were flooded with 8 inches of water.
19. Summer- I had my own garden in my parents’ backyard. Unfortunately, it’s a cool, wet summer, and although we enjoy some fresh veggies, the harvest was not as great as hoped, particularly from the squash and zucchini plants, which got attacked by a nasty bug.
20. Whole Year- I wrote 35 blog entries on my personal blog.
21. Whole Year- My personal blog had 1,626 visits, up from 283 in 2007.
22. February- I was invited to join a group blog, Everyday Citizen, for which I wrote eight entries throughout the year.
23. November- I opened a store on Etsy, selling homemade baby bibs.
24. November- I sold my first two items on Etsy.
25. May- I painted my room in my parents house a buttery yellow, much better than the lavender it had been.
26. November- After much struggle and many re-writes, I finally finished my Statement of Ministry for my ministerial profile.
27. December- I completed the psychological evaluation required for my ordination process.
28. July- I joined a dating website.
29. July- I went on my first “first date” in a long time, with a guy I met online. It never went past that.
30. August- I went on a date with a second guy from the dating website, which lasted 10 hours.
31. August- I had a boyfriend…for about two weeks.
32. August- I came down with shingles, which on a positive note were pretty mild and should keep me from getting them when I’m older.
33. June- I went to Connecticut and saw cousins I hadn’t seen in 15 years, and met the two kids of one of them.
34. April- I went to my ten-year high school reunion and had a blast catching up with old friends.
35. July- My parents’ cat, Isabella, went missing after I accidentally let her outside in the evening and forgot to let her back in. She was never found.
36. July- While searching for Izzy, I made a new friend, Claire, who’s in her 80s. I started chatting with her every day during my morning walks.
37. September- After finally accepting Izzy was gone for good, my parents and I went to the Humane Society and adopted Sophie, a 5-month old black and white kitten.
38. June- I was officially asked to officiate the wedding of a friend from high school in May 2009, in Hawaii. Of course, I accepted.
39. August- I was asked by another friend from high school to officiate his wedding in July 2009, in NH. I also accepted.
40. August- I was told “I love you” by someone.
41. January- I took an intensive course on contemplative practice in Buddhist and Christian traditions at General Theological Seminary.
42. February- I connected with two distant relatives (one from each side of the family) through Ancestry.com.
43. December- I finished the 29^th book out of my goal of 50 for the year.
44. February-March- I observed Lent by not watching television, which actually allowed me some pleasure reading amidst the end of seminary.
45. March- My great-aunt Jeanette passed away.
46. November- I found my best friend from first grade, who I hadn’t spoken to in about 20 years, on Facebook.
47. May- Along with Julie, my partner-in-crime, I organized and hosted the second annual Union Prom. 
48. December- I won my fantasy football league.
49. August- I finally investigated the trail in the conservation area down the street, and began running there.
50. October- I began babysitting part-time for two little boys.

Did I forget anything? It's been quite an eventful year, in both positive and negative ways. Overall, I think in 2008 I improved many relationships, re-focused how I spent my time, and became more confident about myself, my gifts, and what I uniquely have to contribute to the world.

So what's up for 2009? I'll let you know in my next post, which will cleverly and unexpectedly be titled, "New Year Part II."

Blessings to all!

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"A Clove of Truth: Stinging Yet Clarifying"

I love to use my blog to do good and help others. So here I offer my official plug about a new online publication a friend of mine is launching on January 1: The Garlic Press (http://garlicpressnews.com).

 

Yes, that's right. Similar in vein to The Onion, The Garlic Press (http://garlicpressnews.com) will offer entertainment, food for thought...and perhaps a nugget of truth here or there (or so I've been told). After January 1, we will be able to savor the wit and wonder of The Garlic Press every month.

I urge you all to flood the website on New Year's Day, after suitably recovering from the previous night's festivities, of course. My friend the mad creator of this publication will not disappoint, of that I am sure. 

Even better, unlike after consuming real garlic, I ask you to open your mouth and share the wealth. Let people know about this great new thing!

Again: 

The Garlic Press, http://garlicpressnews.com, January 1, 2009. 

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